Friday, February 8, 2013

Play it Safe? or Risk it All?

Its coming up on a year since the last time I posted... and I know its not like anyone really reads my posts anyways but this is really just where I can get all my thoughts out. And if anyone happens to want to know what is really on my mind I dont sugar coat things here. I tell just what is on my mind. I have grown so much within the last year. I used to think I was all mature... and I was for my age I am sure. I am starting to realize how much that really does suck. At a young age I was expected to deal with things way outside my maturity level. I had to grow up fast and there really was nothing I could really do about any of it. I feel like part of me has missed out on that fun part of life. The party stage or whatever you would want to call it. I feel like a stick in the mud on most days since I head home after an 8 hour shift, and I clean and do the things I need to and head to sleep. I think that is one reason I tend to like these guys who are still boys at heart. They liven up my life. To bad most those guys are still in their "party" stage and are really not looking for a real relationship. Well I was talking to someone the other day and he said something that I have been thinking lots about. Risk, I dont risk a lot in my life. I feel like I dont have enough in my life to risk losing any of it. Isnt that really what risk is all about though? You put everything you have on the table and there is a chance you will only get half of everything back.... Its possible that you will lose everything.... or in the rare case for me you may make out with more then you started with. I feel like there is something in my life telling me its time to start playing. Life is to short to not take those risks. I worry I will fall on my face.... but what else could you do? We dont know where we will end up in life. What would have happen if at that time we did risk that one thing. What would have happen if you never risked it. There are so many things in life that will always be a mystery. Is it worth it to always wonder what if?

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Better Off Alone


Well, I have decided to take a step back from dating. I just cant win in that area of my life it seems. I kinda have a crush on a few people. One told me he is not emotionaly available, The other I dont think knows I even really am here. And the Final one... Well his girlfriend waited for him.... I guess... I know it may be selfish but I think maybe its time I just focus on me. Not having a guy in the mix of things... Even when i say that it never really happens that way... But who knows maybe this time will be different. There are many females that never seem to find the one in this life. There is a sweet lady in my family ward, Sheri Dew, There are many great women who of no fault of their own never get married and have kids... and maybe thats what will happen to me... Its not what I want and I know I am still young... But who really knows right... I guess really maybe I should give my self a year... to Just me. a Self journey.... I wonder where it will take me.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Huh...


So I start a new diet tomorrow. I am doing the Jenny Craig diet... I am nervous. I know its kinda strange but I have always been bigger then most people. I really think this is going to work.... but I guess its going to a future unknown. I dont think I will be any different... Or at least i would hope so. But who ever really knows. We will see what happens. I am posting a picture of me now. I am starting out at 278.4 lbs.... yes I know its crazy but thats really how much a weigh so dont pretend like i look better. Well here I go. I am the one in the Blue.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Lie of My Love

Sometimes I go back to that day
It seems so long ago
You already had your mind made up
you knew what you wanted to do
I guess it comes easy when you would rather it not.

Chorus
I wish I could be like you
I wish I could forget like you did
To be able to move on so fast like you did
Teach me to be like you
Teach me to forget like you do

I see you with her, your smile so big
Its hard not to wish that was mine
That look you used to give me
That look that now belongs to her
How was I so blind? How did I not see you leaving?
In my dreams your still mine.

Chorus
I wish I could be like you
I wish I could forget like you did
To be able to move on so fast like you did
Teach me to be like you
Teach me to forget like you do

I will try to keep my feeling hidden
Behind my smile my heart breaks into a million pieces
Why cant I be happy like you seem
Can you see my heart breaking?

Chorus
I wish I could be like you
I wish I could forget like you did
To be able to move on so fast like you did
Teach me to be like you
Teach me to forget like you do

But until that day comes when my heart can finally forget
I will always love you



Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Hardest things are worth it.... Right?


I have realized that some of the hardest things to do in life always end up being the most important... As adults we have to make up our minds about so many big things. Things like, should I go to college? and if so What college should I go to? and then What major should I do? should I do a 2 or 4 year program? and then there is other things like, Should I work? if so Where? Should I be full time or part time? Then you got to start thinking if your working are you doing to date? and what kind of people should I be dating? What if I were to date a friend?

There are so many questions in life... Sometimes its just hard to be young... some people get stuck there for ages because they don't want to grow up... Then there are those people who don't let them self be young and have any fun. Those people who feel like they have to make all those choices today... those people who rush into things without thinking... Its hard to figure out what of those 2 are better...

Its been a really hard year for me this past year. I have gone so back and forth between the two. I cant tell if I want to be young and play hard, Or if maybe I want to just be grown up... I always seem to know what I should do... but what I want to do always seems so different then what I should do... I don't know who to trust anymore, who I should let in, who I can tell my secrets to.... It always seems those people I start to trust leave me more broken then I was before. Sometimes I wonder if Love is worth fighting for, or if we are just better off alone in this game called love... Would we be hurt anymore or less if we were to just take our selves out of the game. I keep saying I will keep pushing forward... But really what good would it do. Is it all going to pay off one day... everyone says it will, but really what do they know... When they already have their Fairytale come true. Can they even say that then know its worth it to stay in the game?

Friday, July 22, 2011

Where one door closes another one opens



Today has been a rather hard day. Sometimes you dont get what you want... I really thought Benjamin was interested for the first week... But in the end i knew it was going to be short lived. He was too good to be true... normally if something is too good to be true your right. He was tall Sweet, made me feel like a princess... and very very good looking. Oh i wish i could look into those green eyes at least one more time. But thus it must come to an end. Its funny, For those of you who dont know how crazy i was about Nate, well my feelings as premature as they were for Benjamin felt stronger... I know crazzy right! probably. No I wouldn't say i love him by any means... It just felt different. I was happy again... But with a little three days grace, and a little space from life and a good cry and a spiritual message i am feeling like me again. Not trying to drive into any walls ;0)
but I came across this quote in my scriptural study figured i would share it with anyone needing it.
"Where one door shuts, another opens. We come to an end and find a beginning. Often we worry about arriving at an end with too little faith in what follows" ---- Don Quixote

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Updated

I know its been a really long time since i last posted, and its not like i really have anyone reading anyways, but you know i kinda want to change what i wright about. I kinda want to start writing to help someone, to change someones life. I am fat. There is no nice way to say it and untill you come to grips with it there is no changing it. I still feel like i am Beautiful. I know I am Beautiful, But I have started trying to be more healthy. I have Entered into a Half marathon or something like that with my mom. So i am going to try to post things that will update my progress. :0)